To Rid the Fat is to Revolutionize the World
by DeathZiggurat
Summary: After much partying on a constant basis, Touga's worst nightmare has come true: he's gained five pounds! With weight gain being foreign to bishonen, Touga finds that the only cure is world revolution.
1. Chapter 1

Hiya! DizzyPressin here with my first fic on this account! I've written fanfiction before, but now I'm actually posting it on this site. I hope you enjoy this first chapter I have completed (I tried to keep it short cuz I know people hate stories that are WAY too long). Anyway, it seems disclaimers are mandatory, so here's mine: everything in this story, the characters, the school, what have you… belong to me. Yes, the author willed me them right before getting into a freak spoon accident. Anyway, I wish I could say that, but no, I don't actually own anything. Maybe someday.

Touga woke up in a blissful mood one fine Saturday morning. The night before he had gone to a party where he had womanized, drunk, womanized, ate awesome chips, womanized, and gotten into the best cake ever…. And womanized. He felt mighty pleased with himself as he headed for his plush restroom, only to be struck by horror as he stood on the scale.

"Holy sweet muffins!" He exclaimed piteously. His body had finally taken its toll after all of the partying he had occupied himself on a nightly basis. Now, almost as though it were from out of nowhere, Touga found himself staring into the face of his biggest dilemma yet: an extra five pounds. There was no way any chick would want him with his man pudge! There had to be a solution to go about this, but what could it be?

Quickly, Touga threw on his clothes and rushed to the cafeteria in search of Miki, the only person on the campus wise enough to answer the red-head's questions. Grabbing a piece of stress-relieving carrot cake, Touga immediately sat in front of the seventh grader who grasped so much beyond his years.

"Miki, I need your help," Touga spouted, staring at the blue haired boy frantically. "Just recently the most horrible thing happened!"

Miki glanced at him ponderously. "Did End of the World send you an insulting letter?"

"No, worse!"

"Miss Utena rejected you for a ten year old!"

"Even worse than that!"

Miki's eyes widened in horror. "Saionji forced you to go with him to his knitting club!"

The red haired man's eyes began to fill with tears. "No, my friend. Something much more terrible has happened." He covered his face with his hand in shame. "I just gained… five pounds."

The room fell hush, all conversations stopping as every person's gaze locked onto their Student Council President. Miki gasped in shear terror at the news, his jaw left hanging open. Touga knew his condition was serious, but to now realize how grave it was jolted him with a sudden wave of fear.

"Miki, you must know. Is there anything I can do? What has to be done to rid me of this curse!"

"I-I don't know!" The younger boy exclaimed. "There's never been a record of a student at Ohtori Academy to have ever gained weight before! It's just not natural! And you, a love prospect out of all people, why, for you to put on five pounds should be physically impossible!"

"Please Miki! Do you have any idea of what could be done? I always thought it was a myth like pregnancy and AIDS!"

"I'm not sure," Miki said as he thought hard on the matter. "It's possible that the only way you can get rid of your excess baggage is if you revolutionize the world."

"Of course!" Touga stood in revelation, "I should have thought of that! With such power I could burn more fat than any mortal could possibly desire. But that does mean fighting Miss Utena Tenjou… unless I first seduce her." A brilliant scheme began to form in the President's head. If he could get Utena to fall in love with him, then she would have no choice other than to give him her revolutionary power. It was an ingenious plan, and as luck would have it, Miss Tenjou had just walked into the cafeteria. Taking a large bite out of a Godiva chocolate bar to boost his confidence, Touga strutted towards the pink haired female with as much testosterone enforced pazazz as he could muster.

"Why hello Miss Utena. You know, last night I had the strangest dream. I was sitting underneath a large tree watching the sunset when an angel appeared to me, and I realized the angel was you."

Most normally such a corny line from the Student Council President would have swept any lady Ohtori student off her feet, but Utena could only stare in a confused manner.

"Touga? Are you… wider, by chance?"

Touga found himself unable to respond. Was his extra baggage really all that obvious?

Finding herself strangely curious, Utena could not help but poke at the red head. "My goodness! You're stomach feels like a bowl of watered down jelly! This may seem like a ridiculous question but have you gained weight?"

Not wanting to deal with this insolence any longer, Touga stomped off angrily. Perhaps a good spar with Saionji in the Kendo room would make him feel better. Before he reached it, though, the Vice President had spotted him in the hallway, a malicious grin spread across his pasty face.

"Why Touga!" Saionji shouted out as he walked towards him. "I heard the rumors but I could not believe they were true… until now. You really have gotten fat, haven't you?"

"I'm not fat! I've just got a little extra cushion is all," Touga replied to the best of his ability.

"Yes, well while you're 'cushioning', I'll be taking up the title of Ohtori's newest heart throb. I have to thank you, Touga. Never in all my wildest dreams did I think I'd become more of a man piece than you. Maybe I'll send you a bulk package of cheesecake to show my gratitude."

Touga wanted to shout some brilliant retort at his childhood friend when it dawned on him: he looked worse than Saionji! That had never happened before. Now all the girls would be swarming the green haired mess and he, the true epitome of hotness, would be left on the sidelines. There was no way he could stand for it.

"You might be having your time now, old friend," Touga shot him a menacing glance, "But soon I'll be hotter than you've ever seen before. Just you wait." He turned then and headed for his campus estate. A new plan was in motion and he'd be damned if he didn't follow through with it.

Chapter One End


	2. Chapter 2

Yay! People seemed to like the first chapter, so I thought it might be good to get a second one up. The same disclaimer from before applies to this chapter, so yeah. I hope this one comes off as the previous.

Touga passed through the halls with great speed, keeping only one destination in mind. He knew now how he could rid himself of this repulsive cellulite, but he would need help. Only the most powerful person on the Ohtori campus would do. The student council president rushed by the basket ball courts, flew through the physical fitness class, and pressed onward, only stopping shortly to pick up his favorite ice cream for this long journey: 'triple chocolate fatty fudge.' Soon he found himself standing right outside the chairman's residence, ready to speak with the incredible End of the World.

"Akio, I need to speak with you," Touga spoke through the speakerphone, "It is of dire importance!"

Akio's voice sounded through the speaker. "No, you can't come in today. Something of an emergency has come up."

"An emergency? What could be more of an emergency than me gaining five pounds!"

There was a silence followed by a sigh before Akio's voice spoke again. "I guess you have a point. My fiancé got into an accident and needs a heart transplant, but the order will have to wait. Come on up."

Relieved by the chairman's understanding, Touga got on the elevator and ascended to Akio's abode. There the white haired man waited to greet him, but what Touga witnessed was more of a shock than he could have ever possibly imagined.

"Sweet bean curd and lentils!" Touga gasped, "What happened to your face!"

The student council president could not help but stare. Akio's face, which had once been perfect and simply tan-yummy now was adorned with three large pimples. Never had Touga seen such an atrocity.

Akio turned his head away, ashamed of his ugliness. "Strange things have been occurring on this campus, ever since Miss Tenjou entered the duels. Anthy started getting feelings, Juri actually considered men, and now… this."

"But how! How did this come about?"

Akio shook his head. "I don't know. Several nights ago I rubbed my face with pizza grease to keep my skin soft as I always do, and then this happened. It is my belief that because the stars have aligned with Neptune that my facial blemishes and your weight gain have occurred."

"I see." Touga looked up at the big projector in Akio's room. "And it is because of Utena Tenjou's existence that the stars have aligned themselves."

"Precisely." Akio lifted a dish rag looking sort of thing with writing woven into it. "Saionji knitted me a letter saying that he plans on using this to his advantage."

"You mean-"

"Yes. Saionji wishes to become the absolute hotness of the Academy, leaving all that is truly sexy to waste."

"So, is our enemy Saionji or Utena Tenjou?"

"Both." Akio gazed at him sternly. "I put it in your hands to take care of Saionji. I'll deal with Utena Tenjou."

"……… why do you get to deal with the hot chick?"

"Because I'm a more important character than you. Now shut up and take care of that hairy green glob!"

Touga groaned as he headed back towards the elevator. "Yes Mr. Chairman."

"Oh, and one more thing."

Touga looked over his shoulder back at the other man.

Akio lifted a bag while looking over an order form. "Your Girl Scout Cookie order came in. Let's see… ten boxes of thin mints and five of the caramel coconut, right?"

"Yes," he replied as he took the bag of cookies from the chairman. "After all, I'll need a satisfying lunch if I plan on conquering my good friend. These should do nicely."

Saying no more, Touga Kiryuu left Akio's place and headed for the cafeteria to devour his twenty boxes of goodness. Nothing gives better strength than that of a girl scout.

-Ch.2-


	3. Chapter 3

            Ok, so it only took me about… what? A year to update this? I know, that's pretty ridiculous. Sorry for the long wait! Anyway, I hope this one meets the expectations of everybody, and I'll be sure to get the next one up MUCH faster. (Hopefully in the next 2-3 weeks). Enjoy!

Touga raced towards the cafeteria on a mission. For the sake of all that was hotness, he had to confront Saionji.  He moved stealthily, his hair blowing behind him and his tummy jiggling from side to side.  With all of this fast paced movement, he was going to need some sustenance.  He groped through his pocket, pulling out the first thing he found. A celery stick.

            "What the-" Touga stared at the green mass skeptically.  "How'd that get in there?" With that he threw the piece of ruffage over his shoulder and went back to digging through his pocket.  Finally satisfied with procuring the super stuffed twinkie he had stolen from the chairman's just several minutes previously (Akio swore that the creamy insides were much better for the hair than any mousse product), he pressed onward.

            Meanwhile at the cafeteria, Saionji sat silently, working on his newest project.  With Touga out of the picture, he was now the most studly man on the Ohtori campus and girls oozed over him like melted butter oozes over carrots. Now was the perfect time to jump back into the dueling arena and challenge Tenjou for the Rose Bride.  As it was, though, he felt that his student council attire was a bit outdated for dueling. So there he sat, knitting his new dueling suit. Not only did he plan on winning Anthy back but to bring knitted goods back into fashion.

            "Saionji! There you are!"

            Saionji looked up from his knitting needles to look into the face of a very angry Touga Kiryuu.

            "Why if it isn't Touga?" Saionji smiled. "Is it just me, or do you look slightly plumper?"

            Touga scowled, sucking in his gut and acting as if he had never heard such a ridiculous question.  "Saionji, we need to duel."

            "What are you talking about? Aren't you supposed to be challenging Utena like everyone else in the student council?"

            "You and I both very well know the reason for why this curse has befallen on me, Saionji." Touga started, his accusing stare never leaving the green haired knitting beast. "I will defeat you… again… and claim the hotness that is rightfully mine."

            Right then Saionji put down his needles with an amused expression on his face. "I think all the fat rushing to your head has made you delirious, my dear friend.  I have no reason to fight such a duel, seeing as how I am not in possession of the Rose Bride and, more importantly, my dueling outfit isn't ready yet.  I'm afraid you'll just have to go on being husky."

            And how right this pasty abomination was. In his state of not-so-good-looking-ness he had forgotten that student counsel members fought only for the Rose Bride, not each other.  Of course, he could always try helping Saionji defeat Utena so that they would have no choice but to duel, leaving Touga in the end with not only his hotness restored, but the Rose Bride as well. However, this was not to be.  Touga could not pull his gaze from the yarn woven mess Saionji held in his clutches.  Hot pink and neon yellow were never supposed to mixed in such a way, and… Touga's eyes widened in horror.  There he noticed the intertwined with the blindingly bright colors were tiny snowmen knitted into the pattern. Good God, the vice president was creating an absolute travesty!  Touga knew then in his heart of hearts that he could never allow Saionji to duel in that. He would be absolutely beside himself if the students of Ohtori Academy suddenly decided to pick up this new "trend".  Therefore, only one option remained to redeem his sexy ways and keep knit wear from ever crawling through the campus like a neon plague. Assassination.

            Touga turned his back to his fellow student council member, knowing now what he must do.  He hoped that the chairman's efforts were flowing a bit more smoothly than his own. So he started back for Akio's tower-mabob where then he would plot Saionji's demise.

            Hope you liked it! Please review and tell me what you think! That way I'll know whether or not to make a Chapter 4.


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